I'm sittin here in a dark room with only the sounds of soft breathing and the clicking of my keyboard to keep me company tonight. Everyone had a long day, and wore themselves out. Hubby is in bed, and the kids are spread out on the floor on their folding beds, out for the long night. But here I sit, soaking in the calm and quiet of the moment. I can actually hear myself think, for once.
I find myself marveling at how things have changed for our family, and how far down we have been brought, only to be happier and stronger now then ever before. Living in a small 12 x 12 bedroom, with 4 people and a energetic silky terrier is no easy feat. And yet, I am content in the bliss of an loving in-tact family.
The past two years have brought one crash after another. Adultery, seperation, pain, loosing a house, car, belongings, deteriating health, and so close, a marriage. And yet, through it all, I have felt the all-encompassing calm and peace that surpases any earthly understanding. I can't hold it in, and I don't want to. People ask me how I do it all the time. And frankly, it isn't me, it can't be me. I am human, full of fears, flaws, and a past. No, it can't be anything that is humanly possible.
My victories no longer come in the material, although I would love to have a more stable situation then where we are at, but no, that is not where the victories and success come from any more. My victories are when my husband looks at me and very lovingly tells me I am the best wife, or when my kids come and without a word lean into me and give me a hug for no reason but to just feel mom's arms around them. My victory is in the laughter of our children, no matter what the circumstances may be. My victory is in the marriage that has been resurected from the ashes, to one that honors God and is growing continuosly. My victory is when we haven't known where the next meal will come from, then a knock at the door reveals bags of groceries, a smiling face, and huge hugs.
Yep... take that in the eye SATAN! This family is not yours!!!.... have some of this lemon juice that the Lord has turned into the most refreshing lemonade on earth! Bet that stings a little, doesn't it!
But without God, and the salvation that comes from knowing Christ, and the hope and faith that comes along with the relationship with HIM, NONE of that would be possible today. He is my Hope and my Peace on the days that seem to have no end. He is my Song and Dance on the days that are full of toil and pain. He is my Rock, my Promise on the days i can't seem to draw a breath without feeling the drain of this diseased and failing body. He is my Strength and Deliverer on the days that the failures and past comes to haunt me. He sees me as the one HE made with loving care to every detail, not the one who has failed Him with the disease of Sin. I have been washed and have become without blemish by the blood HE shed for us.
But the best thing of all, as I share this, is that I am not the only one. He offers this and more to ALL of us, we just have to step up and take it. I have to say that in my limited human brain, it amazes me to know that HE is out there, just wanting a relationship with HIS creation. That is so cool to me. Because, as a human, I don't know that I could be that loving and caring, totally unconditionally. :)
Well the hands are starting to sting and the hour is getting late. Thank you for letting me share a little of my testimony and the greatness of God. I'm not posting to offend, preach, or condemn. I just have to share what is on my heart and my mind. I am not ashamed of my Savior and God, I am not perfect, just very relieved and thankful to be forgiven!